Harry Potter and the 'What! I'm engaged! But how!
by Kaeim
Summary: A parody of Harem stories What happens when James and the Mauraders get extremely drunk when Harry is born. And what happens when Harry reaps the repecussions?


Harry Potter and 'Oh my god, how many witches am I being forced to marry through marriage contracts being set up by the Marauders when I was just a baby

**Harry Potter and 'Oh my god, how many witches am I being forced to marry through marriage contracts being set up by the Marauders when I was just a baby?'**

**This story was inspired by the chapter "Arrangements", by the story "Odd Ideas" by the author on "Rorschach's Blot"**

Harry sat, his face seemingly made of stone, in Gringotts bank, where Remus Lupin and Tonks (who had finally gone through the proper government procedures to remove her first name from all public records and was from now on known as Tonks CallmebymyoldfirstnameandIwillhuntyoudownandpersonallycastrateyou). Both of them were there for one reason, Sirius Black's Will.

The Goblin in front of the three of them shuffled his paperwork and put it into order. He looked at Harry in the usual Goblin manner, where they judged whether the person in front of them was fat enough to be eaten. It was for that reason alone that there were no fat people in the wizarding world. He held out a sheet of paper that made up the first page of Sirius's Will.

The Goblin coughed its throat, before taking a big glass of water and started to drink through it. The three of them waited as the Goblin kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking. And again, it kept drinking. Finally, it put the glass down and sighed contentedly, before looking at the three humans that were before it. It waited. Another five minutes passed before Remus finally sighed pointedly at the Goblin. The Goblin looked at Remus, before realising something.

'Oh dear, please, forgive me. I plainly forgot.' And with that, the Goblin hit its chest and let out a huge burp. The foul, rotten, stinking breath of the Goblin passed over the three wizards, knocking out both Remus and Tonks, but leaving Harry awake.

He smiled, 'how on earth did you know what my air-freshener smell was like?'

The Goblin smiled back, 'who do you think supplies you with free merchandise, Mr. Potter? In the wizarding world, we're the equivelant of salesmen.'

Harry nodded happily, 'then you don't mind if I do this?' He punched the Goblin, who simply smiled.

'We get that quite a lot, Mr. Potter.'

After waking up Remus and Tonks (the first by slapping him several times, and the second by giving her the kiss of life), the three of them waited for the Goblin to finally begin.

'Right, first of all, Gringotts offers its condolences to you, Mr. Potter. We're very sorry to have lost such a favoured customer. He will always be remembered by Gringotts with sadness.' He waved at the Goblin who behind the three wizards and witch to hurry up in removing Sirius's picture and send it to the incinerator.

'I, Sirius Black, being of sound mind and body (especially body), have left the following people several items.'

'To Remus Lupin, Tonks and Harry James Potter, I divide my money and properties between you.'

'To Dumbledore, I leave a slap and a kick up your crinkly old arse for leaving me in the dark without a nightlight when I was in Hogwarts.'

'To everyone else, I leave nothing, mainly because I don't like any of you.'

The Goblin sighed and then shuffled the massive stack of papers. 'And now, on to the marriage contracts for Mr. Potter!' The Goblin gave its best smile that made a portrait of a baby behind Tonks, Harry and Remus cry. He then patted the huge amount of paperwork that was apparently Harry's marriage contracts.

Harry stared at the Goblin, his face utterly pale. 'What!' He shrieked in a girly voice.

'The marriage contracts that were set up before and after you were born.'

'What!' Harry shrieked again in the girly voice. 'Who did that!?'

The Goblin smirked. 'I believe it was your father, the group known as the "Marauders".'

Harry turned to Remus, who was presently trying to open the door, having quietly crept on his tip-toes towards the door. When feeling everyone's stares at the back of his back, he turned slowly. He gave a weak chuckle.

'Remus…' Harry's voice was very warning and full of anger.

'Heh, heh, um…we were drunk?'

The Goblin patted the huge stack of marriage contracts.

'Very drunk?'

The Goblin patted it with more force.

'Pissed out of our minds?'

The Goblin patted the paperwork with all the force it had.

'We wanted to make your life a living hell?'

The Goblin nodded.

Lupin sighed with relief. 'That's my answer; we wanted to make your life a living hell!' He beamed at everyone.

Harry groaned and turned back to the Goblin. 'So who do I have to marry?'

The Goblin coughed regally.

'This is going to be a long list, so to all of you, who are listening (reading), be prepared for a long list of witches and why they're marrying you.'

'First of all, Ginny Weasley, because of the life debt that she failed to pay after you saved her in her first year. The same applies for Hermione Granger for helping to save her life in her first year when a mountain troll attacked her.'

Harry's mouth opened, 'I'm marrying both Ginny and Hermione?!'

The Goblin nodded, 'yes, and because of their life debts, they have to do everything you want, and the time that you set it for is unlimited.'

Harry's mind turned dirty at that sentence and he grinned evilly. Something told him that this was going to be fun.

'The entity of the Quidditch team, the Holyhead Harpies,'

Remus interrupted, 'an all female Quidditch team, may I add.'

Harry's face was completely blank. Tonks waved a hand in front of his face. 'Nope, he's out for the count.'

The Goblin shrugged, 'I'm going to continue anyway, because I have nothing else better to do.'

'How did he get to marry the whole Holyhead Harpies squad?' Tonks asked.

Remus put his hand up, 'that would've been mine, James, Sirius and Peter's fault. We played a match against them. If we won, they had to marry any sons we might produce, and if we lost, we had to strip down buck-naked and run through Diagon Alley being chased by a Sphinx, a hippogriff and Hagrid's little brother, Grawpy.'

Tonks raised an eyebrow, 'how did you know Hagrid had a little brother?'

Everyone in the room suddenly lost their memory of the last sentence when a big hand from the sky tapped their heads with a giant finger.

'What was I saying?' Tonks asked, confused.

'You weren't saying anything, you're a woman, and you have nothing to say.' The Goblin said. 'And now, if we can get back to the marriage contracts…'

--

'And so, now that we look at the summary of the entire will, you have to marry 4,692 Witches, 1837 Wizards, 582 Veela and 414 Vampires.'

Harry fainted.

Tonks, the Goblin and Remus bent over his body. The Goblin looked at the other two. 'So should I tell him before or after the weddings that it was all a practical joke made by Sirius?'

They all looked at each other.

'Narr!!'


End file.
